Footprints in the sand


I lost my virginity in a strawberry scented room with a Barak Obama poster on the wall to the sweet mellow night time music of KBC English Service. It was cold and the blankets seemed to weigh down heavily on my skinny frame as I wrestled with my then girlfriend; an equally scrawny bird with a great big ass (or so I thought then came Nicki Minaj). I was confused to say the least and I desperately nursed a semi seeing as how The Backstreet Boys were playing their hit song ‘Drowning’. I remember the anti-climax of never quite managing what we had set out to achieve that night and sitting there dick in hand (literally) wondering what the fuss around sex was all about. Many years have passed since that night but unfortunately that memory remains as vivid as they come. I shelve these things in different parts of my brain in the hope that I never have to revisit them yet the slightest provocation triggers them. People seem to have one-night-stands ever so often or entire relationships and forget them entirely. I am physically incapable of doing this.

I kept a journal in my teen years and sometime into my early twenties. I read it today as I cleaned out my room and ended up taking a two hour plunge into my pubescent mind. It was awesome, my outlook of the world and the way I believed in absolutes. In a way, I’m still idyllic in some ways but the core of my being never quite changed. I retained my cynicism and an untainted love affair with words since clearly this is how best I express myself. I also avoid getting too involved with people because the end of any relationship however trivial leaves me feeling like I did that night I lost my virginity.  This took me to some shit I have been dealing with lately.

I lost a cousin in the recent past; he was as close as they come. His death was untimely, the details to which I shall choose not to share out of respect for him if no one else. I have memories about him taking me to the mechanic’s to fix my bike on a hot Saturday. He had on those half-coats and a tucked shirt, black leather boots with the laces undid and round rimmed shades to match. I remember him showing me how to sharpen a knife and how to do a proper push-up. He loved reggae music and was himself an artist to some degree before his demise. Last night I found myself thinking of him as I played my reggae playlist. It is surreal to think that he is no more let alone sad. The problem with people is that God produces one of each despite there being seven billion of us.

There is all this residue information about him in my mind. Like the way he used to smile when he blushed, the Scooby Doo branded tie that he gave me in 2011. I remember his flawless round chapatis, his graceful ways and open mind. The tragedy is I cannot recreate his presence even with all this information floating in my mind, and that’s what gets us all in the end…


She Knows…


Every so often, mostly after weeks of low inspiration, as a last result, I like to engage in what would often be described as stimulating conversations with close female friends. These conversations allow me a sneak preview into the world of estrogen, tears, rainbows and butterflies. For my male reader please pay attention, I am handing you pearls here. I have made a list of 10 of the most interesting things that women have told me in the last few conversations; initials have been used to protect the identities of my sources.

1.“I love it because all week long I will be feeling that something is not quite normal, down there…” -A.N.

This was a discussion about why the lady in question was adamant that she needs a man with a large member.

2. “Women only cry after proposals because of being overwhelmed by emotion and the inability to vent these feelings…thus it is best if a proposal is made in a bedroom setting…” -M.G.

This was the most sincere explanation I ever got to justify the waterworks that precede and sum up the modern day marriage proposal.

3. ” A doting boyfriend who spends his money lavishly on his significant other is only comparable to a man with two d*cks..” -C.K.

Ms. C.K. here was describing a weekend birthday party that she attended for one of her girl friends where there was an open bar and a buffet table.

4. “Second chances are not the same as forgiveness…” -J.N.

J.N. was trying to describe why she and her boyfriend had got back together after a break up that was generously documented on social media

5. “Ice cream was invented to console those women who are broken by life” -C.T.

In all fairness, my friend C.T. loves food, but she definitely worships ice cream. If any of her aspiring boyfriends bought me a drink, I’d give them valid pointers.

6. “I would never fight a woman over a man. If children were fighting over a toy, I would get rid of the toy. So I’d annihilate the man not the competition.” -M.G.

There is a certain people in Kenya known for their overloaded  pickup driving skills, lack of a sense of humour and combat knife skills. M.G. hails from that region thus it would behoove me to believe she was dead serious.

7.” There’s no such thing as a whore. Women are made for men and vice versa. Its just that some women are compatible with more than just one man…” -J.N.

J.N. has had a lot of dudes in her life, she doesn’t regret it because she is a feminist who believes that men’s only privilege is their ability to pee while standing.  She is undoubtedly my favourite argument partner because it often gets low down and dirty…

8.” There’s a long queue of men waiting to disappoint you, provided you expect absolute financial support and orgasms.” -H.M.

You see everybody has a H.M. in their lives. They are gorgeous looking, social climbing bimbos, riddled with daddy issues who would do anything and/or anyone for money except a fat, rich bloke twice her age.

9.”In the same fashion a victim of brain cancer does not cut his head off so should a woman never give up on love.” -V.K.

V.K. could very well be my mother’s age. She is funny, witty and sharp. She embodies that title adorned on women who pay their own bills in today’s society. She has never been married and I think she pretty much knows what she means by that.

10. “A single woman needs a big car, preferably a large four by four. A Range Rover or a Landcruiser Prado to accommodate herself and all her feelings.” -M.G.

As sexist as the above quote may sound, my friend G.M. made my week and 40 subsequent ones. I now engage in the activity of trying to identify single women in SUVs from the bus with their truckloads of “feelings”