Pechos

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As far back as I can remember I have always loved boobies. Breasts and I go way back to the pre-pubescent years. I must have been a little over seven years old because that was the only time I could have agreed to something as mundane as being a page boy. It was my father’s cousin’s wedding and his wife to be had asked me to be play the role after complimenting my mother on what a cute boy I was. In retrospect, she was not too bad herself albeit that is in my eight year old mind. I stood no chance in that way, to echo a famous Kenyan politician’s words;

“What she was doing to me was like raping a woman who was already too willing…” (Kiraitu Murungi, Justice Minister 2005)

Anyway, that distasteful remark notwithstanding, I attended the wedding as a page boy. I recall vividly that morning dressing up for the day under the doting eye of my mother. Seeing as how I was the only page boy, I dressed up in the same room as the brides maids. I was embarrassed at first, but it wane upon realising that they paid me no mind.  If memory serves, that was the point in my life where everything made sense. I realised why I never fancied girls my age. They never had boobies.

The bridesmaids, then in their late teens and early twenties were all clad in matching turquoise petticoats; the kind that had a contrasting embroidered seam at the bottom. A few of them, the prude ones I suppose had bras on, but the majority had none. I remember marvelling at the magnificence of these organs that seemed to defy gravity with such nonchalance that Isaac Newton would have wept at the spectacle. I was a fly on the wall, backstage in the girls’ dressing room before a big event. Ladies, ask any straight man- that is nirvana.

My mother, after admiring her handiwork for what seemed like ages, then put me in the care of one busty bridesmaid whose name eludes me, but for the sake of conversation let us call her Lucy. Lucy was sweet, she thought I was cute too and she went on further to promise my mother that I was in good hands. Indeed I was, she had what I now know are 40 D-cups, folks…I was safe from whatever adversity the world may have brought on even a full blown nuclear holocaust.

Allow me if you may, fast forward this story to 2002 when I first watched Swordfish. The movie was a financial success despite that fact that John Travolta won a Razzie Award for worst actor. In my opinion, John Travolta, Hugh Jackman and Vinnie Jones stood no chance co-starring with Halle Berry. The last nail on the coffin was hammered by a scene in the movie that I think is inarguably the best nude scene in history. Ginger played by Halle Berry is caught by the character of Hugh Jackman sunbathing topless. Thus this became the SI unit for boobies in my life, boobies were awarded in regard to how close or far they came to looking like those.

I have seen a fair share of boobies in my life, in person or otherwise. The lesson I have taken away is we can either be shiny and admired or we can be real and loved. I sincerely think that boobies are living proof that heaven is place on earth. Nothing is like a boobie in this world, and that ladies and gentlemen, is power.

 

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She Knows…

interviewing

Every so often, mostly after weeks of low inspiration, as a last result, I like to engage in what would often be described as stimulating conversations with close female friends. These conversations allow me a sneak preview into the world of estrogen, tears, rainbows and butterflies. For my male reader please pay attention, I am handing you pearls here. I have made a list of 10 of the most interesting things that women have told me in the last few conversations; initials have been used to protect the identities of my sources.

1.“I love it because all week long I will be feeling that something is not quite normal, down there…” -A.N.

This was a discussion about why the lady in question was adamant that she needs a man with a large member.

2. “Women only cry after proposals because of being overwhelmed by emotion and the inability to vent these feelings…thus it is best if a proposal is made in a bedroom setting…” -M.G.

This was the most sincere explanation I ever got to justify the waterworks that precede and sum up the modern day marriage proposal.

3. ” A doting boyfriend who spends his money lavishly on his significant other is only comparable to a man with two d*cks..” -C.K.

Ms. C.K. here was describing a weekend birthday party that she attended for one of her girl friends where there was an open bar and a buffet table.

4. “Second chances are not the same as forgiveness…” -J.N.

J.N. was trying to describe why she and her boyfriend had got back together after a break up that was generously documented on social media

5. “Ice cream was invented to console those women who are broken by life” -C.T.

In all fairness, my friend C.T. loves food, but she definitely worships ice cream. If any of her aspiring boyfriends bought me a drink, I’d give them valid pointers.

6. “I would never fight a woman over a man. If children were fighting over a toy, I would get rid of the toy. So I’d annihilate the man not the competition.” -M.G.

There is a certain people in Kenya known for their overloaded  pickup driving skills, lack of a sense of humour and combat knife skills. M.G. hails from that region thus it would behoove me to believe she was dead serious.

7.” There’s no such thing as a whore. Women are made for men and vice versa. Its just that some women are compatible with more than just one man…” -J.N.

J.N. has had a lot of dudes in her life, she doesn’t regret it because she is a feminist who believes that men’s only privilege is their ability to pee while standing.  She is undoubtedly my favourite argument partner because it often gets low down and dirty…

8.” There’s a long queue of men waiting to disappoint you, provided you expect absolute financial support and orgasms.” -H.M.

You see everybody has a H.M. in their lives. They are gorgeous looking, social climbing bimbos, riddled with daddy issues who would do anything and/or anyone for money except a fat, rich bloke twice her age.

9.”In the same fashion a victim of brain cancer does not cut his head off so should a woman never give up on love.” -V.K.

V.K. could very well be my mother’s age. She is funny, witty and sharp. She embodies that title adorned on women who pay their own bills in today’s society. She has never been married and I think she pretty much knows what she means by that.

10. “A single woman needs a big car, preferably a large four by four. A Range Rover or a Landcruiser Prado to accommodate herself and all her feelings.” -M.G.

As sexist as the above quote may sound, my friend G.M. made my week and 40 subsequent ones. I now engage in the activity of trying to identify single women in SUVs from the bus with their truckloads of “feelings”

ASK A WOMAN TODAY!